I thought I was going to do really well in college and be a doctor. I thought I was going to find a really cool guy and have a wonderful relationship. I thought I would lose a bunch of weight and become more attractive so that I could kind of say "shove it" to the people who were mean to me in school. I thought I was going to make lots of money and live in a several million dollar house. I used to drive around and look at them, lusting after them and knowing that I was smart enough to acquire one for myself. Then Christianity started slipping in. I started feeling guilty for eating as much as I do. When I pass a big house, I now feel ashamed and I feel guilty about the people who have nothing. Everything I once had pleasure in is now tainted by a reality that keeps creeping up on me and screaming, "People are starving! People are in pain! Do something! You're going to hell!" I can't shake these thoughts, but I still haven't changed enough. So it's like I'm still living selfishly, only now it's tainted with fear all day. I hope I'll get the guts or whatever to just leave this materialistic stuff behind and throw myself into serving people. If I don't do that, I'm very afraid of the consequences. I'm even wondering if I've waited so long and done so many bad things that it's too late for me. I don't know. Nothing feels the same, and I find myself envying people who still live in the comfortable ignorance I once had.
at my age i thought i would be married with children. i am very disappointed about this but the only thing i can do is move on in life and enjoy myself until it happens. and if it doesn't i just still have to enjoy life. i only have one!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment